I'm going to pose some tough questions. I hope you'll be courageous enough to answer these questions honestly. The good news is you don't have to answer out loud. Here goes.

Question 1. Is there someone you work with that you simply don't like?

Can you think of a particular individual who causes you to dread even the most harmless occasions? Occasions when, due to professional responsibilities, you're forced to meet, communicate or interact in some way? S/he could be a peer, your boss, a subordinate, a customer or a vendor. You may even have more than one! You have already answered this question, if at this moment, you find yourself smiling knowingly, nodding vigorously, and muttering venomously their name over and over.

Question 2.What is it specifically about this person that you have come to dislike?

Try to put your finger on it. Are your negative feelings toward the individual based on some negative attitude, bad habit or unpleasant personal experience? Or is the source of the conflict not so easily defined? Could it be something as simple yet destructive as a case of old-fashioned personality conflict?

Question 3.If there is someone you don't like, how do you normally choose to interact with that person?

Practically speaking, this is the most important question of all. Most of us quickly identify individuals we have grown to dislike. We may or may not be able to state with great authority the specific cause of our contempt. But almost universally the adversary is treated the same way. We avoid them! Consciously and without apology, we separate ourselves from them.

We separate ourselves from them physically whenever possible. However, when physical separation proves impossible (as is the case for most co-workers and professional contacts,) we settle for the "next best" behavior of choice – emotional avoidance. In the end, whether the separation is physical or emotional, the damage will be done. A professional barrier will be erected. For those of us who aspire to build our futures on our leadership strengths and successes, the continued existence of strained relationships is an embarrassing monument to our professional inadequacies.

So what can we do? Simply put, we can change our approach. Consider this.

Arguably, one of the greatest leaders in American politics was also one of the most hated and reviled men of his time. Abraham Lincoln and most of his decisions as President, were criticized, second guessed and sabotaged by supposed friends and foes alike. If ever there was a leader who could have justified the creation of an "enemies list," it was Honest Abe. But Abraham Lincoln measured and interacted with people differently.

I believe it's possible to get a glimpse of the greatness of the leader by the words he left behind. On one occasion, Abraham Lincoln spoke frankly with an associate. "I don't like that man," he said. Then after a brief pause, he added, "I think I need to get to know him better."

Powerful? You bet! Possible for us? Absolutely! But only when we choose to approach our professional relationships, even the strained ones, with the same honesty, forthrightness and curiosity as displayed by Lincoln. The result? Your personal image may never be stamped on a penny, but your professional leadership will forever leave its mark on the hearts and minds of your followers.

Phillip Van Hooser

Phillip Van Hooser is a transformer – his perspectives and personal experiences change the way people think about leadership and service. His management training system, The Leadership Journey, has been used by companies all across the U.S. and beyond to help their people lower turnover rates, raise productivity, enjoy improved management/employee relations, manage change efficiently and communicate successfully with co-workers, superiors and customers. A best selling author and keynote speaker, Phil shares many of his leadership and service strategies in his newsletter and podcast, Transformational Leadership and Service. Get started on your transformation – sign up now at http://www.vanhooser.com/newsletter/!

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